Cue the World’s Smallest Violin: Man Mortgages House for Micropenis Cure
While having a micropenis is no laughing matter, it’s the end of the day and I feel like having a little chuckle. A really little chuckle.
First, the backstory: “Mike” (last name :”Ro-Johnson”) is a 33-year-0ld Australian man with a “basically infant sized” penis. A micropenis, for all you penile aficionados out there, is any erect penis that stands less than 2 3⁄4 inches. It’s caused him a lot of distress in life. He’s only had sex twice — unbeknownst to the women he had sex with — he didn’t play football for fear of the locker room — and you know how straight boys love to grab gab on the penis — and he has low-hanging self-esteem.
Since, much like me, people tend not to take micropenii seriously, Mike has had a hard time bringing up his member. Once, his mother took him to a female pediatrician to discuss his teeny peeny, and the doctor simply responded, “I’ve seen smaller” followed by, “On your husband last night!” Then there was a rimshot and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and Mike died inside.
Frustrated by being dicked around, Mike mortgaged his home to pay for the $45,000 surgery, which still, sadly, left him limp.
However Mike said he failed to see significant improvement because a ligament regrafted itself onto a dermal fat graft and he is still yet to have post-surgery intercourse.
Aaaah! My eyes and ears! Make that image go away!
"Pre-surgery, I was 2-3cm flaccid and I’m now 4cm," Mike told MSN in 2012. “My erection is probably around 7cm.”
And that one too.
However, Mike — much like the two women he had sex with — is not going to take his micropenis lying down. He’s ready to shell out another $68,000 for two more surgeries to put the man back in his manhood.
The real travesty here is that if Mike was gay this wouldn’t be a big problem. It would be a micro-problem, but he could just bottom out and call it a gay. Of course to some gays, a micropenis is anything shorter than seven inches. So good luck to you, Mike. If this dick surgery doesn’t do well, you’ll always be a dick to me.
h/t: The Daily Mail