I feel like I’m on the verge of either a breakthrough or a breakdown. 

Pieces and fragments of me are whirling and colliding all around me in an attempt to form a more fully-realized version of myself. I’m truly coming into my own and it’s painful and it’s terrifying and thrilling and everything that life is and should be. 

Part of the reasoning behind this dating column was my urge cum compulsion to make sense of some of these disparate elements since love and its pursuit are intrinsically tied to this formation of self. Sex and writing have always gone hand in hand for me, so it was also a pretty natural transition. 

Without fail, the creative process makes me horny. Though I’ve yet to figure out if the opposite holds true. In experiencing a flowering of creativity, I in turn become crazed for sex. Not until that need is satiated will I feel whole as an artist again. 

By now, I know what I want for my career, I know what I want in a man, I know more or less what I want out of life, but I’ve hit a wall. I’m living in a constant state of frustration. Though it feels like I’m doing everything I can, I’m still not where I want to be in my career and I have yet to find anyone who is willing and able to fit into my life. I’m not whole as an artist or a person, but I feel the pieces coming together. 

But after yet another night of doggedly pursuing the next great headless torso to make me feel less lonely for a little while; to make me feel desired and beautiful and sexy because I don’t know how to feel those things on my own, I’m closer to the verge. 

I’m a victim of my own desires, but nights like this always make me question why I continue to be a slave to those desires. Running around town buying chargers from Duane Reade and 7-11 then sitting on the floor of Port Authority at 4 am to charge my phone so I can resume my one last ditch attempt at a hookup isn’t my idea of a good time. It’s my idea of pathetic. 

Above all, it was frustrating because here I was — yet again — trying my damnedest to make something work that is flawed from the outset. I wanted a hookup, but hookups are easy. What I really wanted was to believe in someone behind a profile because they fit my ideal. I inevitably would’ve gotten attached to him and he would inevitably disappear. 

As I strive for my own ideals, I worry that I might lose some of the pieces and fragments yet it’s the struggle to realize my ideals that informs who I am. I just don’t know if the struggle is worth it. 

Is it enough to know what you want, even if it may not be right for you? Is it enough to put your dreams — flawed as they may be — out into the universe and to work and to want for them with all your being? When is it enough?

Anyway. I just needed to write this out before I went completely insane. I’ve been manic for the past few days an drunk for the past few nights as this tumbled around in my head. Now here are some gifs and puns about the whacky, soul-crushing world of gay single life:

THE INCREDIBLE,UNDATEABLE GAY: ON 10 THINGS SINGLE GAYS NEEDS

Ah, dating. It’s a jungle out there, full of all types of unseemly wild animals: bears and cubs and wolves ready to snatch you up on the way to Grandma’s Haus. In order for a gay to keep his head above water and his knees plastered to the floor, he’s going to need a few essentials. May I present to you the Single Gay’s Survival Kit.* Here are 10 things every single gay man needs to get through the living hell of dating before finding the sweet, sweet release of heaven — i.e. being rich enough to have rent boys on retainer.

*Patent not pending

Laverne Cox Turns. It. Out. To Beyoncé At VMAs, Kardashians Kan’t Keep Up
During Beyoncé’s epic 15-minute divorce denial at Sunday’s VMAs, Laverne Cox, was here for it. Meanwhile, in the background, Kim Kardashian and her younger sisters whose names escape my ability to care are distracted by their gum-chewing.
A round of applause to Freddie Diego Messina for the video and this astute description:
This is all that matters. Laverne Cox cutting up to Beyonce at the VMA’s while Kim Kardashian sits in a cold sweat next to her younger sisters who are stealing her marketability with every second that goes by.
I mean, it really is only a matter of time before Kim m rolls up in hag drag with two poison apples for Kendall and Kylie — I lied, I know their names and I’m secretly obsessed with them. However, they should take a note from Laverne on how to do a drive-by stealing of all the tens.

Laverne Cox Turns. It. Out. To Beyoncé At VMAs, Kardashians Kan’t Keep Up

During Beyoncé’s epic 15-minute divorce denial at Sunday’s VMAs, Laverne Cox, was here for it. Meanwhile, in the background, Kim Kardashian and her younger sisters whose names escape my ability to care are distracted by their gum-chewing.

A round of applause to Freddie Diego Messina for the video and this astute description:

This is all that matters. Laverne Cox cutting up to Beyonce at the VMA’s while Kim Kardashian sits in a cold sweat next to her younger sisters who are stealing her marketability with every second that goes by.

I mean, it really is only a matter of time before Kim m rolls up in hag drag with two poison apples for Kendall and Kylie — I lied, I know their names and I’m secretly obsessed with them. However, they should take a note from Laverne on how to do a drive-by stealing of all the tens.

I Think, Therefore Icon: Janet Jackson

In the echelon of pop divas, few rank higher than Janet Damita Jo Jackson. And as a gay icon, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone with her multi-platinum track record of LGBT support. Yet, for some reason, when lumping together the great ladies in our iconic pantheon — the Chers, the Madonnas, the Judys, even the Beys — her name is often and conspicuously absent. Meanwhile, what has Streisand done for you lately?

Daily Crush: The Perfect Blazer

Made in collaboration with the renowned Italian wool mill Cerruti, the new limited-edition navy blazer by Tommy Hilfiger offers a transatlantic take on the wardrobe staple.  “We were on a quest for the ideal classic blazer with a modern fit,” says Trent Wisehart, Tommy Hilfiger’s creative director for North America and executive vice president of global creative services. 

I love my work. It’s very important work.:

Got Buns, Hon? 10 “Anaconda”-Worthy Bubble Butts

Nicki Minaj has finally dropped the video for “Anaconda,” her 21st century ode to big butts sampling the classic ’90s ode to big butts, Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” As expected it’s chock full of ample asses, bulbous booties and glorious glutes.

Because Nicki Minaj is first and foremost a feminist. And “Anaconda” is about body love. Or at the very least, booty love. So in the spirit of not only promoting all that posterior positivity, but also spreading equality by way of male exploitation (and because I never need an excuse to write about butts) here is a relatively SFW collection of some of the best backs to be gotten, baby.

Facing rejection, animosity or indifference from both, the gay black man in America is in a constant quest for identity. Trying to find one’s self in other men, I learned, is a surefire way to get lost. It was only when I started to see value in myself that I was able to come to grips with my “preference” and what it meant. By being able to find myself attractive, I’m slowly freeing myself from having my self-worth determined by other people. It’s a process, but there’s nothing more affirming than sucking down two scoops of confidence and feeling your own oats. And while I still like white boys — especially white boys with big butts — I’ve realized that I like anyone with a big butt. If you think about it, my ability to appreciate the ample posteriors of all races is ultimately what Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream was all about. Don’t think about it too hard, but it’s in there — trust me.